the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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