Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
