My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
