3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
