Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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