Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
