I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
