hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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