So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
