I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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