I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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