i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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