There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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