I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize