On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
