He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
