I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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