So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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