my shit smells like andre
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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