just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
sarcasm needs its own font
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
