In America we eat man semen.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
