Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
