ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
