apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
