I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
