i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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