I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
