I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
