i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
