is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
