I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
