paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize