Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He has the fingertips of a God
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
