Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
don't judge my taste in strippers
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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