a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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