I think im going to throw up on grandma
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
