Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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