Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
