Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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