"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
