at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
