I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize