i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
