Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
