so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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