i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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