MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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