I wish my penis had an off switch
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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