her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
whose parrot is this?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
