I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
