true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
