Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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