Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
