yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
well most of my day revolves around power hour
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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