at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
