First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
