i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
