does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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