Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize