Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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